Desire Ch. 76 - Baby Blues

[itztigress3]

Chapter 76- Baby blues
POV: Emily
Word Count: 5392


December 10, 2010; 3:30 am (Friday)

We were sitting in the waiting room at the hospital; we’ve been here since Thursday night. Zac and I were sitting in the corner of the room, with a little distance between us and everyone else. This was the last place that either of us wanted to be. We were in the Labor and delivery waiting room with the rest of his family.

Natalie had gone into labor Thursday night and we hadn’t left yet, we were waiting on River Samuel to make his appearance. At 4 am Taylor came walking out of the double doors carrying his new son. Everyone got up to see him but I couldn’t will myself to get up out of the chair and neither could Zac. Good thing the nurses ushered him on down to the nursery to be warmed and cleaned.

Isaac flopped down next to us. “He is so adorable, Taylor look-alike for sure. Tay said he was Ok and that Natalie is doing well.”

Zac smiled some but I dropped my eyes farther to the floor. “That’s good. As excited as we are I think we need to go. I feel like passing out.”

“Yeah, you guys look worn down for sure. Will you come up later?”

“Sure. I know Nat’s going to want some recovery time too.” Zac said.

“For sure. I’ll let Taylor know.”

We got up and went down to the lobby fighting back tears. 6 months. I would have been 6 months. Just three more until our little baby would have been here had the little baby not been ripped away.

“I don’t want to go home.” I said.

“Where do you want to go?”

“Studio.”

“Ok.” He said.

He drove us to the studio and parked in the alley. We bypassed the offices and I went right to the piano. Music had always helped me and this was no different. I picked a random song and began to play letting my mind wonder to the past couple of months.

The first thing was the FBI had done a remarkable job at containing the story and not letting anyone know what occurred during that week or the events that lead to our eventual rescue. As a result the only individuals that knew the full details were the police officers on the case, Zachary, Casey, and I. The media was told that Adam shot David and then himself, it was a complete lie but David wasn’t in a position to really make demands. He was facing the death penalty and there was talk of a plea deal to avoid that.

Secondly, the after affects of shooting someone was not what either of us expected. Sure, we’d both thought about the possibility and we had agreed long ago that if that was the best option, it was needed. The reality of taking a life was not so simple. Zac had nightmares for several weeks about the shooting, he was logical and he knew that it was necessary but it didn’t mean he didn’t feel badly about it. In addition, he stated he wasn’t quite comfortable holding one now so they were all locked up in Casey’s closet.

My own guilt wasn’t as bad as Zac’s, I hadn’t killed David. But, I had taken away his ability to ever walk again. The police agreed my shot was pure luck and the odds that I’d ever be able to do that again were slim. My guilt came from the what if’s and what could have occurred. I wasn’t in the state of mind to be handling a gun as I was physically weak and emotionally devastated. What if I had missed and hit Zac? I couldn’t shake those thoughts but I also knew that if David had gotten to them, we wouldn’t be sitting here today.

Physically Zac and I were both well. Our injuries had healed completely and we were able to resume our daily tasks without discomfort or pain. Emotionally we were complete messes. Zac talked to Casey a lot about what happen. How helpless he felt as David attacked me, how worried he was when he saw the blood, his fears of being sold. He talked openly to me as well about his feelings. I however chose to remain silent. I wasn’t sure how I felt about anything. Nothing calmed the questions. Nothing would stop the thoughts.

Sex hadn’t been a major topic of discussion because for weeks neither of us was physically well enough and then we’d been on tour for months. But the few times we tried, I couldn’t. I couldn’t get the feeling of David’s hands out of my mind, couldn’t get the thoughts to shut down. He had come back the second time just so I would be alert. David had wanted to destroy my sex life and he had. I was terrified that I’d never want to have sex again, that I wouldn’t enjoy it and I couldn’t even find the desire to want too, which scared me the most.

We had talked during the downtime in August and after viewing several properties we had selected a 40 acre track just south of town, people thought we were crazy but the land was mostly wooded and would afford us the privacy we craved. During the tour we had discussed house design and the blue prints were done and ready, the construction would start in January, assuming the weather permitted it.

The tour had run from September through the end of November and would pick back up in March of 2011 for world dates. It had gone well and I found that being busy had helped me a lot to just forget the events and forget what happened. Having a purpose each day was great and it had helped us both in different ways.

Last was Casey, he has been such a great friend and supporter through everything that we agreed we owed him something for his support and help. There was little we could do truly to show him because we felt dinners and movies just weren’t enough. So, once we purchased the land we decided the current house would be given to him free and clear. He was now a permanent part of 3CG and it would be the perfect place for him. We planned to give him this gift after the holidays.

The holidays. We chose to take the entire month of December off because we worked through Thanksgiving. However while Zac and I normally looked forward to Christmas and spending time with family, neither of us were looking forward to the holiday. Yet, it meant a lot to Taylor, Isaac, and the rest of the family.

Hour’s crept by and before long it was after 9 am and Zac finally sat down beside me.

“We should try to sleep, I know you don’t want to return to the hospital but its not River’s fault and we are his family.”

I stopped playing and looked at him. “I don’t think I can hold him without crying and screaming. It took a lot just to sit there and not fall apart.”

“I know. It’s hard to sit there and pretend to be happy.”

“Well, I am happy that he’s here and healthy. I just don’t think I can hold him.”

He turned toward me and I moved toward him some that generally meant he was being serious and wanted to talk.

“You know this would be easier on everyone if they knew what happen. I don’t know why you feel like we have to deal with this alone. Taylor and Isaac are worried about us Emily, everyone is worried about us.”

“It’s not their burden Zac. I don’t need everyone to know I was raped by my father and he caused us to lose our baby.”

“Its family Emily, it’s not telling the world. Your brother’s are going insane wondering what is wrong with you. Taylor and Isaac are asking Casey almost daily now what is wrong with us. Come on Emily, you cannot deny that we’re not acting like we normally do.”

No, I couldn’t deny that. Zac hadn’t been near as hyper and crazy as he once was and he’d taken to spending a considerable amount of time absorbed in video games that weren’t fighting games. He hadn’t painted anything in weeks and the ones he started were violent and aggressive.

I hadn’t gone out with Velma and had turned down many chances, hadn’t done much of anything but play the piano and pretend to be normal. I just didn’t think anyone needed to know. Because I didn’t have an answer for him I did what I’d been doing just looked at him silently. He waited for five minutes but then got up and walked out of the room, he was frustrated with my lack of responses. We weren’t near as patient with each other anymore silence was my answer to everything.

I turned back to the piano but there was no melody in my head. Then I heard heavy footsteps, it had to be Zac as no one else was here and I was rather shocked when he turned me around to face him and he held my arms so I couldn’t look away.

“I’m sorry Emily but I’m not walking away this time.”

I glanced down at my arms but he didn’t let go and honestly I’d never seen him look at me that way. He’d never forced me to do anything but here he was making me look at him.

He let my arms go and stepped back a moment and I realized why I’d never seen that look, he’d never been angry with me, at least not this much.

“I know you called him Dad for your entire life and you don’t understand why or how he could do that to you. You don’t understand why he was such a bastard to you. I get it, I don’t know what that feels like but you won’t fucking talk to me about anything! You shut me out and I am sick of it. I’ve tried for four months to get you to open up about what happened but you won’t. Why won’t you talk to me?”

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

The look he gave me kind of scared me. “There’s not? How about how you feel, what you’re thinking, how you want to move forward, and how you want to get help? Those are really good points to start with.”

“I don’t fucking need help.”

“Yes, you do!” He yelled.

“If I fucking wanted the help I would have asked already. What the hell do you want from me Zac?”

“I want you to fucking talk to me!” he screamed.

I just stood there because he’d never screamed at me. I wasn’t sure what to say so I didn’t say anything.

“That’s it Emily just stand there and stare at me like I’m an idiot. Don’t bother to tell me what the fuck the problem is, I guess as your husband I don’t deserve to know what the fuck is running through your head.”

He stood there for a moment before he turned around to walk out of the room, what the hell did they want from me?

“What do you want me to say Zac? That every fucking time I close my eyes all I see is that dark fucking basement. That every time I get in the shower I have to scald myself so I don’t remember what that fucking water felt like? That sleeping in the rear of the bus was the only way I could because I couldn’t breathe in the bunks. Is that what you want to hear? Do you want to even know how I felt sitting in that fucking hospital all fucking day? That every fucking time I see a baby I just want to fucking die? I don’t want people to know that my father raped me! I don’t want them to know that because of him we lost our child!”

“Yes, that’s exactly what I want to hear.”

“Why?!” I screamed. It made no fucking sense, why would they want to know?!

He came back to me and cupped my face directing my attention to him. “Because I want to know what you feel, how it affects you, what affects you. I can’t help you without knowing what you’re feeling and thinking.”

His hands felt warm against my face and I could feel the slight trembling in his hands. I’d been fighting internally since he told me about the loss, since I woke up in the hospital that Sunday and realized I was free.

I could see what I’d missed for so long; I could see that he loved me, that everything they had said had been a lie. I could see the fire in his eyes because he wanted me back and I was stuck in that time, stuck in that moment. I felt the warmth spread through me as familiar feelings crashed over me. Feelings they said were bad, feelings they said shouldn’t happen. The feelings of desire and lust. The feeling of wanting him. 

He was a little shocked when I kissed him on the lips; we hadn’t done that since before I was taken. He looked genuinely shocked when I yanked the shirt open; sending buttons flying all over the place some landing on the floor and others the piano. A desperate need took over because what I wanted was to just be close to him at this moment. It didn’t make any sense to me and it apparently didn’t to him either.

“Emily?”

I looked at him and could see the confusion now in his face quickly followed by the shocked expression when I actually ripped the t-shirt he had on up the front and then I pushed him backwards, until he stumbled and fell onto the sofa behind him. I climbed into his lap and went right for his neck.

“Ems...this is not…” I sunk my teeth into the right place and heard the sentence dissolve away.

I felt his hands on my side but he was being tentative yet he was letting me continue to kiss his neck.

“Ems…”

I undid the button of his jeans. “You can’t deny you want this.”

I sat back and pulled my shirt off, sent it flying somewhere and he sat there a moment before he finally leaned in for my neck. Fuck! That felt amazing, just having his lips on my neck. Feeling his hands on my skin felt right finally, felt like it was suppose to.

“Are you sure about this?”

“Yes.”

He flipped me rather quickly to my back on the sofa and went after my neck and for a split moment I thought about David and how he’d touched me but Zac’s tongue ran up my neck and in that one spot and those thoughts dissolved away and all that was left was Zac’s touch and embrace. I watched as he did Casey’s now famous tweak and nice play to the nipples and I dissolved even farther. He seemed unsure about the sudden change but when he slid my pants off I didn’t freeze up, let him and I couldn’t contain the feelings of how good he made me feel.

I felt the kisses to my abdomen as he came back up, could feel him against my thigh and I wasn’t afraid.

“You know they’ll be pissed if they find out.”

I pulled him down and kissed him, trailing to his neck. “Zac?”

“Yes?”

“Make me scream for you.”

I felt the smile as he kissed me. “I do believe I can do that.”

Initially, it hurt some but a quick adjustment solved that problem and sure enough he didn’t stop until I’d screamed for him, not that I minded doing that. We lay on the sofa afterwards, exhausted beyond words and I felt the blanket when he pulled it over us.

“Dangerous.” I said.

He kissed my forehead. “I love you Emily. But, don’t think ripping my clothes off will get you out of talking either. I’m not giving up that easily.”

I snuggled close to him, felt his heart beating and the steady rise and fall of his chest. I knew it wouldn’t but at that moment what I desperately wanted was to be close to him like before.

“I know.”

He pulled me close and for the first time in months I felt truly safe and happy. I fell asleep in his arms shortly after that but it was Casey calling my name that woke me up. I blinked a few times and realized we were still on the sofa, still naked but the only difference is I had turned over and Zac was behind me. Casey was sitting right in front of me on the floor.

“Can you like elbow Zac?”

“I’m awake dude.” Zac grumbled.

I felt sore and tired. “What time is it?”

“It’s after eight.”

I felt Zac rise up behind me some. “Don’t fuck around Casey.”

“No, really it’s after eight. Isaac called me a few hours ago and asked where you two were.”

“He didn’t come here did he?” I asked.

Casey looked around the studio, Zac’s shirt was lying ripped in the floor, buttons were all over the place, and my panties were on his drum set, how had they gotten that far? Not to mention the rest of our clothes were somewhere.

“I would venture to say that if he had, you would have surely known about it. I do sure as hell hope he didn’t given that you’re both curled up naked on the studio sofa asleep. What in Sam hell happened? I picked up Zac’s boxers coming down the hallway!”

“I can honestly say I have no idea.” Zac said.

He smiled. “Well, it’s pretty obvious that something lead to sex. I am concerned that Zac’s shirt is ripped in half though and the buttons? Really?”

I grinned some. “The desire took over and I wasn’t being patient.”

“Well, Taylor’s looking for you. He said Natalie’s been asking where you both are.”

I felt Zac’s hand tremble a little, no matter how good sex and sleep is, the reality was the same. I turned to my back and he looked down at me.

“We don’t have to go if you really don’t want too.”

“Actually I think you should go see him. He’s adorable and guys believe me I know it won’t be easy but do you really want to look back at this day and regret not going to see him?”

“No.” we said.

He patted the cover and Zac raised an eyebrow. “Casey, that’s not my hip dude.”

He wiggled his eyebrow some. “Oh I know.  I’d like to know what the hell happened that lead to this so I know what to do in the future.”

“There was yelling and screaming and then I don’t know, I just wanted him. I can’t really explain it.”

Casey smiled at us. “Seeing as I have prime blackmail material here I think I may use it. I know your both hungry and you probably should shower before you go back. I’ll call Taylor and tell him I found you curled up asleep here. I won’t mention that you were naked and looked like you’d just had some rowdy fun. But, you do have to go to the hospital tonight, I am sure Taylor or Natalie would mind.”

“Food sounds good.” I said.

“I have dinner fixed at the house, so what do you need Zac?”

“Just a shirt so I can go outside, I think my pants survived the ripping.”

Casey went and got him one while we got up and got dressed.

“Are you ok?” Zac asked.

“Little sore, nothing major nothing to be alarmed over.”

After getting dressed we went home, showered while he heated up dinner and Zac made it a point to shower with me and not have the water scalding. We got dressed, ate and then Casey drove us to the hospital. I hesitated at the doors though.

“Go on Casey, we’ll be right up.” Zac said.

He went ahead and went inside. “Ems?”

“I’m ok. Just…”

“Talk to me Emily, tell me what is it your feeling. It’s all I ask.”

“I feel like they deserve to know why we’re acting this way. I saw the way your family looked at us Zac, like we didn’t care and it’s not that. I feel like we should have done more, I feel lost and confused and I know holding him is going to hurt and I don’t want Taylor and Natalie to think I hate them or that I don’t love River. I just don’t know how to tell them.”

He pulled me in for a tight hug. “You don’t have to tell them Emily, I can do that too.”

“But, wouldn’t everyone else be upset that we told them?”

“They might be, but we’re here now and we know it’ll be hard if we don’t explain why.”

I took a deep breath and we walked inside and went up to the third floor. Casey was sitting in the window seal, Natalie was looking quite well in the bed and Taylor looked tired.

“It’s about time! I’ll go get River from the nursery.”

Zac caught him before he got out of the door. “Actually, we’d like to talk to you and Natalie first if you don’t mind.”

“Sure.”

“I’m going to step out for a bit.” Casey said.


“No. Stay.” I said.

He resumed his seat on the seal while we moved to the sofa facing them, where do you begin?

“Zac? Emily? What is wrong? Have we done something to upset either of you or hurt you somehow? I know things have been a little strained.” Natalie said.

“No, it has nothing to do with either of you really.” Zac said.

I could tell he was trying to find the right words, but there really weren’t many words that were right in this situation.

I looked up at Natalie and couldn’t hide the tears at all and I saw the confused and painful expression and I looked at Casey because I couldn’t find the words and Zac was not doing much good either.

I felt Taylor’s hand on mine and saw the other one was on Zac’s. “I don’t know what is going on but god I wish you would tell us. If we didn’t do anything then what is wrong?”

I saw Zac look at him through watery brown pools of sadness. “Emily was pregnant in July when she was taken. After I was there David hit her in the abdomen and caused her to miscarry. It’s not that you’ve done anything wrong it’s us, it’s not anyone else.”

Natalie’s breathe hitched. “Oh my god and we forced you guys to sit here all day?”

“You didn’t force us to stay.” I said.

She tilted her head some. “No, but I am sure it wasn’t easy sitting in the waiting room all that time. We wouldn’t have been mad if you’d have gone home. I understand how hard it can be.”

“How can you understand?” Zac asked.

“We miscarried between Ezra and Penny, it wasn’t because of being hit it was just a natural occurrence. But, I still remember feeling so badly afterwards. It’s hard to see other’s with their babies and know that you won’t have that. It’s hard to think about all the things that would have been. We chose not to tell anyone, how come you didn’t tell anyone?”

I looked at her. “Because everything in my head is screwed up and wrong right now. I really don’t have a clue what to say when I’m asked about how I feel. You can ask Zac, he’s lost quite a bit of patience with me over that.”

Taylor scooted himself between us and pulled us both in for hugs. “I understand if you’d rather not see him right now. We were confused because the two of you were always so excited and you were both the first ones with Everett and Penny, we just…we were confused and we didn’t understand why this was different.”

“We want to see him, but we’re afraid we may start crying hysterically and well we didn’t think you’d understand without being told.”

Natalie smiled. “You’d be amazed at how understanding we can be. Likewise, you can be amazed at how healing it can be. I won’t say holding River will cure your pain or take it away, but maybe it will help.”

Taylor looked at Casey. “I am seriously thinking about just knocking you out, because this doesn’t surprise you and I am sure it’s because you knew already. We’ve asked you dozens of times what was wrong.”

“You can’t blame him Tay, we told him not to tell anyone else. We told him because the nightmares were pretty bad and he lives there. Emily and I agreed he needed to know but she wanted no one else to know.”

“Your brother’s do not know?” Natalie asked.

“The only people that do know are the ones in this room, the police, and Zander. I asked him not to tell Aaron and patient confidentiality means he can’t without my permission.”

“Are you not telling Mom and Dad?” Taylor asked.

“Not right this moment, no.” Zac said.

“Do you want me to get him or do you want to wait?”

Zac looked at me and I knew he wanted to see him. “Go ahead.”

Taylor got up and left the room, returning ten minutes later pushing the little basinet. We didn’t move at first but Taylor picked him up and sat down between us, letting him lay in his lap. Isaac hadn’t lied; River was the spitting image of Taylor. I couldn’t help but wonder what our child would have looked like, me or Zac?

Zac asked for him first and I was ok with that really but seeing him holding River was different, because I wouldn’t see him holding our baby in several months. I could tell that holding him was hurting him as well; just the mixture of sadness and happiness was weird. Taylor moved and I slid over, I couldn’t keep putting it off. Zac carefully handed him to me and I got to really see him.

“Natalie are you sure he’s yours?”

“No kidding. It’s like I had nothing to do with any of them.”

“It’s just the Hanson genes.” Taylor said.

Zac rolled his eyes. “Should I point out that Monroe and Everett look like Nikki and not Isaac?”

“That’s a fluke.” He replied.

Casey giggled and got down beside me but while I thought I’d just bawl my eyes out, I was finding that I was ok. Sure, it hurt that in three months I wouldn’t be able to hold my own child but there was something else nagging in my mind. I was 26 and my father had never even gotten these moments with me, did he even know I existed?

“Emily?” Zac asked.

I looked at him and he wiped the tears off my face. “Are you ok?”

“Yes.”

Taylor asked for a picture and made sure the tears were gone before he took the photo. We didn’t stay too much longer but promised to come back the next day to see him and spend a little more time with them. We did ask they not tell anyone else and they were more than glad to respect that wish.

We got home and Casey went to bed but we’d slept all afternoon so we stayed downstairs, he went to turn the TV on but I stopped him and he didn’t mind, instead he let me sit down in his lap.

“I think your right; I think our family needs to know what happen. I think at least, they deserve to know the events and why we’ve been acting so weird. I just, laying in the hospital I couldn’t sort out anything, I still can’t.”

“What do you mean by that exactly?”

I took a moment. “It’s like I want to be every emotion at once. I want to be happy that we’re alive and we’re safe, I want to be sad that we’re not fixing a nursery right now, I want to be angry at myself for not knowing and for not trusting my own instincts when it came to Layla. I want to be angry with everyone for not doing more. I’m just…scattered.”

“Believe me Ems, I understand that. I have times where the same things happen to me. I wanted to be angry at myself for not doing more to help you, for listening to them when they used you. I wanted to be mad at myself for not forcing you to talk to me sooner. I’m sorry I screamed at you but I just…I didn’t know how else to get through to you.”

“Believe me I was shocked, but maybe that helped. I don’t know what happen but just the way you looked and it was the first time in months that the idea of throwing you down and having my way came to mind.”

“You do know we can’t always solve problems with sex right?”

“Who said we can’t? I think it was more just the stress and frustration and not knowing what to do. I wanted to be close but at the same time I was terrified I wouldn’t like it anymore. It’s like a constant with David because I keep seeing him as my dad, when I know he’s not. It didn’t help they kept saying I shouldn’t feel that way.”

“Did the detectives confirm that for you?”

“Yes. Detective Walker e-mailed me the results about a month ago. But, it really didn’t change much to me because I’ve always seen him as dad. But I did realize something while I was holding River.”

“Oh?” he asked.

“I think that I do want to find this mystery man. Even if he doesn’t want to know who I am or doesn’t want to have anything to do with me, I want to find him. I have no idea if my mother ever told him, no idea what he knows. Holding River made me realize that he never got that chance with me, he didn’t get to hold me as a baby.”

“I think that’s a good idea. What about your brothers, did they also do a test with them?”

“They did but I asked her not to give me those because they all believe David is their father.”

“But if he’s not Aaron and Christopher’s father wouldn’t they also deserve to know and try to find their real dad if they want too?”

He made a lot of sense there. “I guess so.”

“You should ask for the results and really Emily, you need to meet with the detectives and let them answer your questions. I know it won’t be easy to learn everything but he said a lot of things to you and I. We deserve to know if those were true or not and you deserve answers. He needs to provide them and you need them to move forward.”

“Well, when should we tell people and exactly how much should we say?”

He hugged me tightly. “We don’t have to decide that right now. We can tell my family in January but your brother’s will be out this month. I believe this should be something there told in person.”

I nodded. “We can determine the extent before then. In the meantime, I guess we should try to sleep. We just added a person to our shopping list.”

“Oh dear god, we haven’t even started that list.”

“This means we got to get busy.”

“We can get busy, that’s not a problem I’m sure we’ve recovered enough by now.”

I kissed him. “I see no reason why we can’t.”

We got up and went to the bedroom at least, not quite as frantic or as fast or as rough this time and laying in his arms was a great feeling.

Now…to just tell people and answer questions.