Desire ch. 88 - I'm just not sure

[itztigress3]

Chapter 88 – I’m just not sure
POV: Zac / Emily
Word Count: 3765

August 30, 2012
-Zac-

I was presently in the nursery alone; I had a walkie-talkie in which Emily would call if she needed me. I was almost done I’d spent long hours in here painting the walls and the mural on the wall and today it was just putting all the final touches. I’d be lying if I said putting the furniture together alone wasn’t frustrating as hell but while everyone said they’d help I wanted to do this. I had let Emily help me with the dressers; I put them together in the bedroom and then moved them. The changing table and crib I had put together myself.

I did think being at home would be more relaxing, but that just didn’t happen. She hadn’t been as sick as she was before I came home; the ginger ale and crackers were helping a lot. But, she still got sick if she sat up too long after eating. She spent a lot of time reading, doing whatever she could at home for work, and sleeping. I spent most of the time cooking, cleaning, fixing the nursery, or at her beck and call.

The one thing that I wasn’t too certain about was the change in her sex drive, at first it was she was too sick but now, holy fuck! Every day since I’d come home she’d come on to me and I couldn’t say no to her. I wasn’t sure if my exhaustion was from doing all the housework plus the nursery or from all the damn sex. I even considered calling Casey over to take care of her for a bit, but he was needed at the studio. It wasn’t just one time a day, hell no that would be too easy. No, it was at least twice a day and last Saturday it was three times. She looked gorgeous to me and even more so now, just god I wanted to sleep.

Taylor and Isaac had complained because of the lack of sex and I had expected it, but this I hadn’t. At this time I was wondering if this side effect was worse than her being sick and I wasn’t sure if I wanted more now if this was how she reacted each time.

Aside from that I could also tell there was something bothering her, sometimes I checked on her and found her to be absentmindedly doing something and when I asked, she said it was nothing. I knew it was something but she’d distract me by either shoving me onto the furniture or yanking me down. I had four shirts and three pair of pants that needed buttons replaced now!

About 10am I stood at the door and surveyed the room, I would show her the room later today after her brother’s left; I had called in reinforcements to see what was going on in her head. I was happy with what I had done and I hope she would be as well. There were some surprises such as the bedding sets that she didn’t know about and the curtains. I hope she liked it.

-Emily-

I was in the living room, he was finishing the nursery. I was browsing the channels bored and I didn’t want to be bored. Being bored meant I thought about things and I didn’t want that. I was insanely curious about the nursery because I did trust him but he’d brought me lunch last week with a multitude of colors all over his hands, pants, and shirt. The colors ranged from dark colors like black, navy blue, and purple to neon colors like green and yellow. In additions, there were dots of white, pink, purple, and lavender; I was confused at what could possible incorporate all of those colors. Added, I know Isaac brought something over the week before for little drummer baby but I’d not seen it and Zac hadn’t mentioned it. I kind of felt left out.

Not that it mattered, I was doomed to fail as a mother like my own did. She’s failed us by letting David get away with things he did, by not helping us. Surely, I wouldn’t do that because Zac and I agreed that’s not how you raise children. Beating them isn’t teaching them anything. Yet, I’d been raised by an abusive man and five brothers who weren’t much older than me. I didn’t know how to be a mother. I only had limited experience around his mother, limited around Craig’s and Natalie and Nikki I wasn’t around enough and they weren’t motherly toward me.

What if I totally fucking screwed up and he hated me? What if I screwed up and he got sick because of me? There were thousands of what if’s running through my head and I felt like I just couldn’t do it. Zac had a father all his life that was caring, loving, and supported him I had no doubt he would be a great father. I didn’t have that. David was abusive, didn’t support anything, and turned out to be a pedophile with a god complex. Great role model for parenting.

Zac came down about 10:30 and sat down beside me. “The nursery is finished and when your brother’s leave I’ll go up with you.”

I looked at him, still sweaty from doing whatever he’d been doing the last two hours and I felt that desire overtake my brain.

“What time are they supposed to arrive?”

He looked at me. “We don’t have time Emily. They should be here about noon but I still need to cook lunch.”

“Make them sandwiches they’ll be fine.”

“Really Ems? You woke me up at like 5:30. I think you can wait at least until this afternoon.”

I pouted at him but he didn’t give in, damn he was serious about cooking them something. He kissed my forehead though before going to the kitchen, god only knows what he would fix. I got up and walked in and sat down on one of the stools watched as he fixed a pretty decent lunch of shrimp scampi for them and chicken for me.

“Have I been that sick?”

“Yes, you have.”

When they arrived I let them in and found Zander and Craig had come as well, explained why he made so much. I got hugs and Christopher and Aaron had to kiss the belly and talk to the baby and then we went to the kitchen.

“You made her cook?” Craig asked.

I laughed. “I haven’t cooked for myself in weeks. No, Zac actually cooked everything and I just watched.”

“Phew, I was about to beat him.” Craig said.

Zac rolled his eyes and we sat down to eat, was kind of nice to have someone else in the house. After eating lunch I had crackers and got ginger ale and lay down on the sofa. Zac sat down in the floor at the head of the sofa and they idly chatted about what had been going on. Zander was just tired from work and grateful for a day off, Craig was happy to be away from computers; Christopher and Aaron were enjoying their own day off. I didn’t understand why they were here and honestly, I just wanted to drag Zac to the bedroom again. What the hell was wrong with me?

After two hours I sat up and Zac distracted Zander and Craig by taking them out back to discuss something, if he thought he was being slick god he failed.

“So, what intervention is this?”

“How do you even know?” Christopher asked.

“Well, he already has plans for an outdoor play area for little drummer boy, so asking them to input design is pointless and they know that. So that means there is something he believes the two of you can drag out of me.”

“He’s not wrong Emily.” Aaron said.

“If I’m not telling him, why would I tell either of you?”

They both moved to either side of me, fuck that wasn’t good.

“He thinks it has something to do with Mom or David. He’s just not sure what it is, but I think we may know.” Aaron said.

“By all means, tell me what my problem is.”

Christopher smiled. “You’re having doubts about being a mom because you’re not sure what to do. You really haven’t been around children until you met Zac. It’s natural Emily.”

So they weren’t very close but it gave me an out. “Well I didn’t really get experience until Penny was born. What if I hurt him trying to change him?”

“You won’t Emily. You’ve changed Penny, Everett, and River many times. You and Zac have baby sat them all many times. I am sure you’ll be fine Emily. You’re going to be a great mom.”

I didn’t say anything to him, what could I say? Aaron giggled beside me.

“God you wrapped him around your fingers so quickly. I’m glad I had practice with him before you were born.”

“What are you talking about?”

“First off I know damn well it has nothing to do with worrying about changing him. It has nothing to do with general care. So, if it’s not that then you’re worried about something deeper.”

“Why do you think I am worried about anything?”

“Well, Zac is certain there is something you’re not saying to him and he’s certain that it has nothing to do with you being sick or anything. So, if it’s not you being sick and it’s not worrying about hurting him when you put clothes on him. What is the problem? You can fool Christopher Emily, but you can’t me.”

“Asshole.”

He smiled. “But you know I’m right.”

“That’s why you’re an asshole, sorry Christopher.”

“I’m not as easily wrapped as you think.”

I sat there a moment they weren’t going to give up and maybe if I voiced it then it would go away.

“I have no idea how to be a mother. The only models I’ve seen are well, Craig’s mom for 2 years and Zac’s mom the last few years. Neither of which had small children and while Natalie and Nikki are mother’s and my age I don’t pay much attention to how they do it. Changing diapers and clothes is only part of it. Mom wasn’t there for me to learn from, I didn’t get advice and I can’t call her and ask. I don’t have anyone I can call at 2 in the morning when I can’t get him to stop crying, I don’t have anyone to refer too. I can’t even call Dad because fuck he never was around us.”

“Your human Emily, you have natural instincts when it comes to that. I am sure that Zac’s mom, Natalie, Nikki, Christina, Nadine, and the others will be fine if you need to call them and ask.”

“I don’t want to be like David, I don’t want my son to hate me when he gets grown. My god I hated that man for as long as I can remember and I don’t want him to feel that way toward me.”

“He won’t Emily because you aren’t anything like David. You won’t ever be that way toward him and I know for a fact the only person in this house that will get an ass beating is Zac when he asks. You have to correct him, but Emmy we’ve seen you correct your nieces and nephews and you are never abusive toward them. You normally don’t even have to put your hand on them just speak to them.” Aaron said.

Christopher nodded. “I have seen you as well and you never over do it. For that matter you’ve fussed at Taylor and Isaac for being too loud with them. So, I don’t think you have to worry about that. Penny adores you and she has from the time she was born from what Zac says.”

“Yeah, I am certain I’m the favorite aunt in her eyes.”

“You won’t be like David Emily. You have far too many people around to prevent that. I mean really, do you believe Zac would sit back and let you do what David did to us?”

“No. He’d stop me.”

“Do you think Taylor or Isaac would?”

“No. There isn’t anyone here that wouldn’t stop me. They all would.”

“Even if you done it when they weren’t there, do you think that you can go five seconds without apologizing profusely and buying him whatever he wants?”

I giggled. “I don’t think I’d make it 5 seconds.”

They smiled at me and I felt a little better, but really what did they know? They’ve only been around once or twice when Taylor and Isaacs children were there and I really hadn’t done much as Natalie and Nikki had done most of the corrections. The other’s came in and Zac seemed happy and I explained the same thing but I could tell Zac didn’t totally believe everything they’d pulled from me but let it slide anyway. They stayed another hour before leaving and I fully intended to shove him onto the sofa, hey anywhere is fine by me.

“You want to see the nursery and then you can take advantage of me?”

I laughed. “Sure, but um not in the nursery that room is now off limits.”

“Agreed.”

I followed him up-stairs and down to the door which he had closed and he looked so afraid that I was going to hate it. Truthfully I was a little nervous at what he came up with but he opened the door and let me inside our first nursery and I was blown away.

The carpet was the same beige color we’d installed He had the changing table right in front of me, the crib was on the right hand wall between the two windows and on either side of a wooden clothes basket in the corner were the dressers. It wasn’t the furniture that blew me away it was what he’d done with the walls.

There was a jungle scene painted on the walls and there were animals everywhere. There were giraffes, monkeys, a zebra, different birds, and even a tiger but none were scary looking. There was a snake winding around the closet doors and inside the closet was painted ocean blue and fish were everywhere. There was even a sun in the corner and the clouds extended onto the ceiling of the room. Curtains hung on the windows and while they were mostly white the bottoms had little cartoon animals. I then saw something in the crib and walked over; there was a bedding set already there! The comforter had a white tiger with cubs on it and the surrounding border was grey, there were matching sheets. I couldn’t find words to describe exactly how perfect it was.

“Do you like it, you’re kind of scaring me with this quietness.”

“I love it. I’m sure he will too.”

“The comforter I found online while you were asleep and I had it sent to the studio. Isaac brought it over the other day. But I didn’t tell him what it was; it was in the box still.”

“I wondered what it was.”

I kept finding little details in the painting. “You did all of this in two weeks?”

“You know how obsessive I can be. I felt like I wasn’t doing anything for him. I mean you’re the pregnant one here and you’ll be delivering him and I just helped create him.”

“You’ll do a lot more once he’s here Zac.”

“I know, but you hated everything and I know how much you love animals. I figured he’ll be like you and this is perfect. It brings in the jungle and the ocean.”

“I can’t believe you did this in two weeks, I knew you were busy but damn Zac have you slept at all?”

“Between your current drive, painting, cleaning, and cooking I’m not sure.”

“Zac.” I said.

He walked over and kissed me. “I’m fine. The nursery is done now so I can sleep tomorrow assuming you’re not planning some bedroom marathon.”

“You know you have no problem with it.”

It was he who led me to the bedroom and while showing meant different positions, we were well versed in all the available positions by now. I couldn’t describe how different sex felt now, it was much more intense to me and it felt better. I had asked Natalie and Nikki both if this sudden drive was normal and both said not for them, Natalie mentioned sex in the third trimester was limited to hand or blow jobs if she felt like it. Nikki had pretty much said the same thing. Neither had found it comfortable or enjoyable. I was beyond confused on why I did. So, I did the one thing most daughters wouldn’t, I called Dad.  Sure enough Mom had been insatiable during the whole pregnancy, but she hadn’t been as sick as I had been, so perhaps that was it. Yet, Zac surely didn’t mind the increase but I’d make an effort to let him sleep in tomorrow.

After sex and a shower we went back downstairs where I made him sit down while I fixed dinner, sticking to something easy, Tacos. He really did look tired.

“So, Maddi sent me a zip file with some of her pictures on it, ones she’s taken over the years. Do you remember them?”

“I do, you showed me some from the zoo, different places in Kansas, and she sent a few of her husband too of Max.”

I looked at him. “Please tell me you’re not thinking of expanding our territory.”

“No. I think just Casey and you are fine by me. I mean, I don’t expect him to be single forever.”

“But yeah she sent some of Trevor, Max, and others. I was thinking I know we said we didn’t have too but I kind of do want pregnancy pictures, not to display on a website but for us. He’s our first and we deserve to remember it. I even think I found the right location. I know Taylor said he wanted to take some but what if I asked Maddi to take them for us? We can still have Taylor do some maybe here at home?”

“Taylor asked, but didn’t say he was dying to. He just asked if we were and I told him I wasn’t sure. I think Maddi would do a great job and given that neither she nor Max has said anything about what was said here I think she’ll be trustworthy to not sell them to others. When were you thinking about them?”

“September sometime, she’s two weeks ahead so I don’t want her to be too close to her due date. I haven’t asked yet, but I will.”

“Have you even given her your number yet?”

“No. Not yet, but I can in September.”

He looked at me. “I think it would be good. I’d ask first though.”

“Also I want to get her something. She mentioned Natalie sent her an invitation to the baby shower and she’s not doing one but I still want to get her something. Since she’ll be in town, I can give it to her then.”

“What were you thinking?”

“Well, she already has the major items. I was thinking the basics diapers, wipes, clothes, socks, and the normal stuff. I mean we need to shop also so we can just grab some stuff while we’re there.”

“Well, Natalie assured me there are a lot of people coming to the shower. I let everyone know what not to buy, which really is just the crib and dressers.”

“Well, we can’t rely on family.”

“Oh I know, but like I think we should wait until after the shower. That way we don’t have a billion onsies and no suits or all suits and no onsies.”

I added the seasoning and hot sauce, it was nice I could do that at once now and then turned to him.

“So, I was thinking about training Velma to be the tour manager for next year.”

“Why?”

“Do you really want to travel with a newborn?”

“If you think I am leaving him here while we travel your crazy.”

“I would be here with him.”

He looked shocked and horrified really, kind of made me feel bad for saying it.

“I’m not going to miss his first year just because we’re touring. It won’t be easy but we’ve toured with babies before. It’s not that much harder.”

“Zac…he’ll be six months or so when you head out. Surely you can survive a few weeks at a time. We can always travel a bit with you and then come home.”

He shook his head. “Nope, can’t do it.”

“Come on Zac; think about the other people on the bus.”

“Not happening Emily. I was there when Ezra toured with us, he kept me up too but he’s our first and I’m not going to miss anything in the first year. I won’t do it. He’ll be safe and perfectly fine with us all.”

I held my hands up. “Ok, geez. But I may train her anyway because really Zac, I can’t be running around like a chicken without a head and caring for him too. You can’t do that either.”

“I’m sure we can figure something out.”

I sighed and finished dinner and we ate there at the island.

“You know when you get mad you sure as sexy as hell.” I said.

He nearly dropped the fork and stared at me. “Seriously, you cannot be thinking sex again…”

I laughed. “I am really, but you look exhausted already. I think you need the sleep more than I do right now.”

“Give me a heart attack…”

I smiled and after dinner we watched a movie, unfortunately tacos didn’t like me. So we did go to bed rather early and I let him sleep, I think he was pretty much asleep before he lay down. I lay there awake though, watching him sleep. God I hated not being able to shut the thoughts off. I’m just not sure I feel like I can do this, like I can be a mother and be good for everyone. About 2 am I got up and went to the nursery, it wouldn’t be too much longer before he’d be laying there in the crib instead of lying against my bladder.

But, I had no idea how to be a mother.