Infinity Chapter 33 - Paranoid Tendencies

[itztigress3]

Chapter 33 – Paranoid Tendencies
POV:  Zac
Word count: 4817


September 30, 2013; Seattle, WA

It was 2:30 in the morning and I was sitting in the office with the door closed, not because Alexander was awake he had been asleep since ten and Emily had been asleep since about then as well, our show was later today and I should be asleep, but every time I closed my eyes all I could see was the smelly alley, all I heard was his voice. I hadn’t even expected the first nightmare Friday, woke me up at 4 am and I’d busted my head open on the bunk above me, not remembering I was even on a bus. Emily had been a champ but I felt like she was pulling away from me, the distant look in her eyes was often worrisome. I dozed off and on in the office until everyone got up, which was about 8. We were parked at the venue and we had been able to set up the stage the day before, the venue didn’t have a problem since we were here. It was late though but it afforded the crew the chance to sleep in. Emily looked confused when she came in with Alexander.

“I thought you were in your bunk asleep.”

“Got up early.”

She sat down in the set of double seats and let him nurse, he was still in his pajamas so while she did that I went and got him a change of clothes and a diaper. I then sat back down, I had realized early Friday morning that he had changed his name in my phone; instead of Jackass it now said IAN. I could only guess that it was his name. We changed phones Saturday like planned including changing our numbers, she had argued but did anyway. Yet, within an hour he had the new number and he was scolding me for changing the number. It got worse, because I didn’t reply to him, didn’t leave the venue when he told me, I didn’t even reply when he threatened to kill them because I knew they were safe with me. I’d made sure of that. He surely wasn’t happy about it.

Alexander climbed into my lap when he was done and I laid him on the sofa to change him, she went down to find breakfast and I stayed right here with him. It was hard to believe that in a few weeks he would be a year old, he’d changed so much since he was born. He’d gotten bigger, taller and heavier. His hair was much longer now, light blonde and curly. I loved the little curls though. His eyes remained the same warm grey that Emily had, I didn’t mind and wouldn’t mind if all of our children had the same warm grey eyes.

Yet, would I be the one responsible for their deaths? I knew not responding to him and choosing not to meet him was a direct violation of what he said, but I couldn’t justify hurting Emily that way. I wasn’t comfortable and it was my fault things were like this. Alexander giggled and smiled, I smiled with him but I knew it was blank; he was too young to know.

She came back in after a bit and sat down. “You should eat breakfast.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“Zac, you didn’t eat dinner last night either. You need to eat something this morning.”

I knew she wouldn’t stop so I got up and went down, but the smell of grass was just…it had to be someone on the bus. But, with so many here it was too hard to narrow it down. Taylor had actually cooked and handed me a huge plate.

“You skipped dinner, are you feeling alright? We don’t need another music stopping moment.”

“No, I’m fine really.”

I sat at the table and ate, Ryan sat beside me and Velma, Shannon, Robert, and Casey were all around the table too. When Emily came down with him she didn’t seem thrilled about where I was. She went to the longue and sat down with Carrick and John, Alexander was playing with his toys. I finished the plate, realizing I was hungry. I then walked in and occupied the seat beside Emily, I felt safe beside her. The quietness of the room was deafening to me, the only sounds were the light noise from whatever movie was playing and Alexander’s movements and sounds.

I felt tired and sleepy and didn’t really think just laid my head over on her shoulder; she didn’t move me so that must have been a good sign. She felt safe and before long the room faded and I fell asleep.

I woke up from the same nightmare a few hours later; I was laying on the sofa alone, no sound and no voices.

“Emily?”  I called.

When she didn’t answer I got up and ran through the bus, she was sitting on her phone in the office but Alexander wasn’t with her.

“Where is he?” I asked.

She turned and gave me a puzzled look, covered the phone. “He’s with Casey and most of the crew at a small park about a block from here. Once you fell asleep they decided to go and I told them I would stay with you.”

“But he’s with…”

“Everyone but you and I. What is wrong?”

“Nothing, just with the two incidents…”

She didn’t seem to believe me but went back to her phone call. I decided to shower and get ready for the day, I was done and in the hallway when I smelled the grassy scent. I wished that smell would go away because several of the bunks smelled that way. They returned around lunch time, I chose to feed Alexander his sweet potatoes; he was like me when eating oblivious to everything else.

“You can tell he loves you.” Ryan said.

“Of course he does, he’s my son.”

That was kind of random and weird coming from anyone really. He slid a little closer to me and I glanced at him.

“He does look like you, eats like you, and sometimes he acts like you as well.”

“He acts like Emily too.”

I felt his hand on my knee and I paused, what was he doing? He had a girlfriend at home.

“I heard all these rumors about you being some freak in the bedroom but honestly I don’t think you and your wife have even kissed that much since we started the tour.”

I swallowed. “Well, really we’re on a tour bus with everyone else. It’s not like we have alone time and we’ve been sharing rooms with others to save costs.”

“Didn’t stop you before, bathrooms, showers, come on Zac.”

His hand was higher and he leaned in and an overpowering smell of grass hit me. I turned and looked at him.

“You need to stop. What I do with my wife is my own business not yours or anyone else’s. Likewise, your hands need to stay to yourself from now on.”

I got up and moved to the other side, thankfully Casey came in and sat down beside me, I finished feeding him and Casey heated up the bottle.

“She’s not coming out?”

“She said you could handle it and really you haven’t gotten to do much. Take the chance Zac. They won’t need you until the walk.”

I took him up-stairs to the office and Casey followed me, locking the door when he came in. He sat down on the chair she usually occupied. I situated Alexander and he took the bottle with ease, kind of held it himself, god he was getting so big.

“So, I’ve noticed how you two are acting. Your distant, reserved, and just acting weird and she’s down and acting…she’s acting like she did in 2010, like there is something on her mind, like something is there but she just can’t say it. She won’t talk to me; she won’t talk to Carrick, Taylor or Isaac. She’s not talking to Velma or anyone else. Is there a problem Zac?”

“Stress, constant motion, long days, longer nights, you got to be a little more specific.”

“You want specific? Ok. You have been acting very weird since LA, you aren’t eating like normal or sleeping well, I’ve heard you wake up Zac, you cracked your head open on the bunk you hit it so hard. That’s a nightmare, are you having the dreams again?”

“Once or twice, but it’s happened before.”

“Ok, so what about Emily? Because I’ve caught her crying twice and she won’t tell me anything about what’s going on. She’s acting like she miscarried again, did she?”

“If she did, she didn’t tell me but from what I know she hasn’t been pregnant since she had him. I don’t think that’s it.”

“Zac, you two need to talk. It’s obvious that something is wrong.”

I gave him a brief smile. “We have some time in Canada, a few days and it’ll be a good time.”

He took a deep breath, like everyone else around me he didn’t really believe me. But, he accepted the excuse.

He started to leave the room and then stopped and looked at me. “If you don’t talk to her in Canada, like you just said then I will tell her to take Alexander and go home for the rest of the tour. She really doesn’t have to be here and you know she’s staying for you, because you don’t want to miss anything. But after Canada, I’ll send her home Zac.”

“She can’t.”

“Nothing will stop her Zac. So, I guess you better talk to her.”

I started to say she couldn’t go home again but stopped myself, if I argued he’d ask. I swallowed hard because if she went home then no one would be there to protect her. When Alexander finished his lunch I rocked him a bit until he fell asleep then I laid him down. I stepped into the upper lounge and sat down where I could see him.

I’m going to assume you will be meeting me tonight? It’s really not nice for you to continue to be bad. Ignoring my messages, e-mails, you even ignored my call. I know your getting the messages, I know you’re awake right now because you’re not with your wife and she doesn’t have your son.

I stared at the messages; I couldn’t meet him because what if she found out? What if she saw us? She’d leave me. I sat and stared at the messages until she came inside the lounge.

“They’re ready for you inside, has he been asleep long?”

“He should wake up normal time.”

She got her book and sat down; I got up and walked inside to where Taylor and Isaac were. I really didn’t want to go on this walk. I’d attended Portland but I’d felt like he was there, turns out he was he sent me pictures of myself on the walk. Taylor chose the route and we went out front, I purposely stood near Isaac, he looked confused when I didn’t get the crowd picture, I wasn’t focused on that I was looking for any guy with brown hair, turns out there were several. I let Taylor lead and I stayed around Isaac, fans moved around us both, talking and commenting about things. Some asked me how my son was, others asked about new music, projects and some talked about the actual purpose of these walks. We stopped half way and Taylor got up higher, I found a seat close to him. Tried to ignore the strong smell of grass all around me, I felt someone behind me and started to turn.

“Don’t.” he growled.

I swallowed hard, because that was the same voice.

“Just keep your head forward, like your actually listening to Taylor. If you turn around then someone here will die.”

I swallowed hard again and kept my focus on some random girl in front of me, her shirt was a pretty teal color. I could feel him behind me, close but not too close because there were pictures being taken.

“Don’t bother looking for me, blonde wig and powder makes me look very different. You’re being very naughty Zachary; you’ll get a text when your sound check is over. You either show up or you’ll be punished for not doing what I told you, if you understand I want you to nod.”

I did understand, so I nodded but I already knew I wasn’t going to be there, when the walk continued I didn’t see any blonde men anywhere. I was glad to be back inside the building. I listened to Carrick’s sound check and I toyed with the idea of telling him what was going on, but instead when his set was done I followed him to the back.

“Carrick.”

He turned. “What’s up?”

“You remember those pictures you found?”

“Yes. The ones I am sure your wife still doesn’t know about?”

“Right. Um…I…”

Taylor walked through and headed toward the bathroom and I looked at him, Carrick came forward standing closer to me.

“Going to assume you’ve gotten a little over your head with them?”

“A little yeah, I uh got more of her and there more frequent. I was wondering if you could make sure she’s watched at least.”

“Zac, don’t you think you should just tell her?”

“I will when we’re in Canada, but until then…”

“Is this request like what Casey did before? Personal bodyguard?”

“Just when I can’t be there, that’s it.”

“Ok. I’m pretty sure you’re not saying shit in Canada. So, end of the tour you tell her or I will.”

He patted my arm and then walked away, we did our sound check next and I was just tired and lacked focus, I screwed up just about everything which took a normal two hour sound check to three. I got the message before the end of sound check, but instead of going to the left I went right to the bus with Taylor. It was close to dinner, I was tired but I ate anyway, I needed to because the show was going to be long, I played with Alexander and I felt the phone several times, I just didn’t check it until I was back inside.

Very. Stupid. Mistake.

The other two messages were my younger brother and sister, which was nice to hear from them as well. The show itself was good, but I caught myself critically staring at every guy, studing them before moving on.  The after show greeting I found myself being jumpy and especially when a man was there. Even if they clearly were here with women, it didn’t stop the paranoid thoughts. I kept expecting to be shot actually, long distance shot somewhere. By the time we got on, got snacks and changed it was late. I checked on Alexander before laying down, I was tired and I needed sleep.

October 1, 2013; 4:36 am

The nightmare woke me up and again, I sat up entirely too fast and because I was still mostly asleep I actually rolled out of the bed. I wasn’t sure what hurt more my forehead or my hips and shoulder. I laid there stunned, I hadn’t rolled out of a bunk since I was 12! Alexander whined a moment before he was quiet.

“Zac?” Emily asked.

I was shaking, confused, hurting and so fucking tired. I jumped when I felt the hand on my arm.

“Shh, it’s just me. Are you ok?”

I nodded started to get up but she was already getting out of the bunk, was she mad I woke her?!

“Roll in, quietly.”

I did as she said, confused until she slid in with me, she had to get very close to fit. She struggled a moment with the sheet. It was clear whatever was bothering her involved me but I was confused, this was caring and I guess she could care even when she was bothered by something. I felt her soft lips against my cheek.

“You’re not sleeping very well; I’ve heard you get up every night since LA. You are very tired Zac, I can tell in your words, your movements and the way you played tonight. It’s ok; we’ll be in Vancouver very soon, just sleep. I’m right here and Alexander is right there.”

The familiar scent of lavender and vanilla filtered through that grassy scent here, I could feel the soft cotton of her pajamas against my chest and before I could stop myself I just kind of nestled myself into her , safe. I felt her lips on my forehead before soft words began to fall from her lips, she was singing to me and the words were so familiar, I’d sung them to her years ago. I listened to her voice say how she’d never let go and I drifted off.

I slept deeply, dreamlessly. When I woke up Alexander was laying there with me, sound asleep. I had no idea what time it was, my phone was probably in my bunk still.

“Ems?” I asked.

A few minutes later she was leaning down. “Did you finally wake up?”

“What time is it?”

“It’s almost three in the afternoon; I refused to let anyone wake you up. Although, Alexander had his lunch and we were playing and he just laid down and fell asleep with you, so I left him there.”

“He’s fine. I can get up over him.”

It took a bit of careful maneuvering to get over him without waking him up, definitely not easy! I stumbled down to the bathroom and then she directed me to food, which she fixed. It was a lazy day for us really, we were near the venue but we couldn’t go there until in the morning. Casey brought Alexander down when he woke up.

“He was in your bunk Ems, how did he get out of the crib?”

“Well, after lunch I had the door opened and I got a call from Stephanie, I had the other door closed because you guys were still talking. I got to missing him and found him beside Zac asleep. I knew if I moved him, he’d wake up, since Zac was out cold I left them both alone.”

“I was beginning to wonder if Zac was going to wake up.”

I smiled slightly, I felt groggy still. Kurt, John, and Dylan were in the front room enjoying an action flick. Jared, Ryan, and Robert had been up-stairs.

“Where are Taylor and Isaac?” I asked.

“Taylor went shopping, god help us all. Isaac, Velma, and Shannon went to the store I wouldn’t leave so there picking up some things like diapers and I told Velma to pick a fruit for him, something new.”

I nodded; finished eating and then we went up-stairs to the game area. Robert and Ryan were in a rousing racing game, Ryan was winning and Jared was rooting them on. Emily sat Alexander down and I secured the door in front of the steps, something she’d had put in. He attacked toys and was content, she sat down on the end of the sofa and got a book, I sat beside her, watched them for a few moments before laying my head over on her shoulder.

“Still Zac?”

“You’re taking lazy day to the max.” Ryan said.

I ignored him, I felt safe beside her and secure enough that she was safe and he was safe.

I wasn’t even aware that I was asleep until Ryan’s voice hit me. “Dude! Wake up! You need to stay up sometimes!”

I saw the very sharp look Emily gave him; Casey did as well I saw the concerned look on his face. I felt her kiss my forehead.

“Why don’t you just lie down?”

She didn’t have to tell me twice. I laid down with my head in her lap, Casey was sitting at the other end but I respect that he might be with Robert and curled up between them, I felt his hand on my ankle.

“Come on, it’s ok.”

He moved my feet into his lap and I was confused but I didn’t care, I knew that neither of them would let anything happen to me, Casey and Emily would protect Alexander and he would make sure she was safe. She was reading but I could feel her fingers running gently behind my ear. Ryan seemed pissed but Robert smiled.

“What are you? Two?” Ryan asked.

“No, I’m just tired.”

“Really? You’ve been asleep all day Zac or did you not go to sleep when she pushed you into her bunk?”

I started to reply but felt her fingers slid back and forth, so I didn’t respond to him. Let the lavender and vanilla scent slip into my head. Again, I was almost asleep when Ryan called my name asked me about some move on a game I didn’t play.

“I can’t tell you anything about it, I don’t play that.”

Casey started gently rubbing my ankle area; Robert did see him but didn’t say anything about it. I’m sure oh there having sex wasn’t occurring to him. Between him and Emily I found myself drifting back off, but yet again it was Ryan that woke me up. The controller actually hit me pretty hard in the stomach.

“Dude, really?” I asked.

“If you were awake you would have caught it.”

“If you hadn’t intentionally basically thrown it, then he wouldn’t have been hit. Take my word Ryan, if you wake him up again intentionally, you’ll be going somewhere else. I don’t care what you think; I want him to sleep if that’s what he wants to do.”

He blinked a moment and started to say something. “I’d caution you not to do that. She sounded pretty mad already. Truthfully, I agree with you. Now stop waking him up and play the game or go elsewhere on the bus.” Casey said.

He definitely didn’t look happy but he did scowl and then look back to the TV. I glanced up at Emily and Casey was right she didn’t look too pleased with him. She went back to slowly rubbing my hair and smoothing it back, but I was awake. I did lay there and watch Alexander play. I noticed however that Ryan really didn’t play with him; Alexander didn’t really go near him which bugged me. I finally sat up after an hour and slid into the floor to play with my son. He liked musical toys so much, so we had lots.

“Really Zac? It’s bad enough that he plays it non-stop all the time do you have to add to it?” Ryan asked.

“It’s his favorite toy.” I said.

He started to open his mouth but Isaac and Taylor came up. “Damn you woke up?” Ike asked.

“I did.”

“Did you fall out of your bunk?” Taylor asked.

“Sadly, yes, completely forgot I was on a bus moving.”

Alexander hit the button again on the toy and the music played again and he giggled. He was sitting in my lap anyway, and the sound didn’t bother me, I had other nieces and nephews that did this as well.

“Geez Zac, you don’t look as zombified as you have the last few days.” Ike said.

“Oh, I image I’ll look more human tomorrow after sleeping tonight.”

The music dyed down and Alexander hit the button again and then I felt when he came out of my lap and when I turned he was laying in the floor and Ryan had the toy, turning it off. Alexander turned and it was clear he was hurt; I immediately pull him to me and tried to determine where the blood was coming from.

“What the fuck is wrong with you? You don’t snatch toys from babies! He’s not even a year old yet and your being a complete jackass. That’s not the first time you have snatched things from him either, you did it several weeks ago. You even scared him by yelling at him to leave it alone. What is your problem?” Robert yelled.

I was sure everyone in the room looked at Ryan. I could almost feel the radiating heat from those close to Alexander.

“You snatched toys from my son? You yelled at him?” I asked.

He didn’t say anything and I handed Alexander up to Emily, even though I was sure she was probably just as mad.

“Robert?” I asked.

“I saw him, several weeks ago. Emily asked him to watch him for a few minutes while she went to the bathroom, he was playing with a similar toy, granted he’d replayed the music ten times but still. He snatched it from him and yelled at him to leave the fuck alone.”

“Ryan?” I asked.

Taylor and Isaac were both standing there too, waiting. Alexander had stopped crying but he clearly wasn’t happy. I got up out of the floor and looked at Emily.

“Why don’t you take him to the office?”

“Zac.” Taylor said.

I shot him a look and Emily didn’t question it, she got up and walked toward the office with Alexander, but he started crying in the hallway again. She kept walking though, closing the door behind her.

I turned and snatched the controller out of his hand, I didn’t care if he lost the race or not.

“Answer me. Did you snatch toys from my son’s hands? Did you yell at him?”

“Of course, the brat had played the same fucking toy for four fucking hours. I took it away and he got it again, so I took it away again and told him to leave it alone. He’s the like the most unruly brat ever, none of you ever correct him.”

“Have you hit my son?”

“It’s not hitting Zac, it’s called correcting and you both need to learn that.”

It explained why Alexander clung to me so badly, although we hadn’t seen any bruises. But the bus rule was they didn’t touch him and they all agreed to that. I wanted to hit him, hurt him but I could hear Alexander getting louder.

“Robert would you say you witnessed it?”

“Hell yeah, I told him he needed to stop before one of you saw him.”

“Ryan, you can pack up your stuff. I’ll have your plane ticket by the end of the day. Whatever you can’t take you can leave until we arrive back in Tulsa.”

“You can’t fire me.”

“What? You think because my wife hired you that only she can? No. I’m your boss and you were all told to leave him alone. I am sure my brothers will back me on that. You hit my son, you yelled and you snatched thing from him. You are gone.”

I then turned and walked to the office, where he was waiting for me. Emily started to get up.

“I fired him, you need to have Velma or you fill out the paper.”

She blinked. “You fired him?”

“He’s apparently popped him as well; we told them all to leave him alone. Hey, Alexander it’s ok.”

He clung to me. “Is he ok?”

“Yep, looks like he just bit the inside of his mouth.”

There was a knock and Emily opened it, Robert.

“Is he ok?”

“Yeah, he’s ok. Is he packing?” Emily asked.

“No. He doesn’t believe he’s actually fired. Casey and Taylor even told him. He’s still playing.”

She looked at me and I didn’t say a word when she went down the hallway, but Robert stood there at the door eyes wide as she let him have it. Alexander laid his head against me and Robert handed him the toy.

“Thanks, you didn’t have to do that.”

“Oh, if I had known you guys were unaware I would have told you sooner.”

When she came back she filled out the paper and I could see him in the hallway packing his things from his bunk, Alexander stood right at my feet and played with his toy, clingy he was. She made all the arrangements and by 6 pm he was gone. Casey didn’t even care he lost a person, because really any of us could stand in. Alexander was clingy again so he sat in my lap and ate dinner, he only went to her for milk, but by 9 I was tired. Emily gave me her bunk because Alexander wouldn’t lay in the crib so he and I laid down at 9:30, I put him against the wall and after laying there for about ten minutes he was out. I laid there, no messages today it was weird but maybe he learned? I heard Emily lay down about ten and by 10:30 I was asleep.