Infinity Chapter 62 - Feverish

[itztigress3]

Chapter 62 – Feverish
POV:  Emily
Word count: 4894


   February 11, 2014

  It was Alexander that woke me up at 5:30, we were both in his room, and I had made myself a pallet in the floor. I couldn’t sleep in the bedroom because the bed smelled like him, the pillows didn’t feel right, and the bed itself didn’t feel right. I tried Sunday and just laid there wondering if he was ok, what Ian was doing, was he hurting him, and another million questions.

Unfortunately, my hope for Alexander not getting sick didn’t work. He’d started sneezing Sunday and by nine he’d developed a low grade fever, he went right to the doctor Monday morning escorted by an agent but the antibiotics were just getting in his system, so he’d been whiney, cranky, and ill. It didn’t help that who he wanted was his father and we learned Sunday that Zac’s family couldn’t be here right now. He associates them with Zac and that leads to him screaming for him. Taylor had tried his whispering skills and failed, not even his grandparents could do anything so it was determined that because I didn’t need to be upset and he didn’t either, they’d be there for us but they couldn’t be there in person.

I got up out of the floor and picked him up, he wasn’t sleeping much at night right now either. I got the snotty nose cleared as much as I could, changed the diaper again, and went downstairs. I had sent my brothers home, they were driving me bat shit crazy by constantly telling me things were going to be fine and I would be fine. I wasn’t going to be fine! I wanted to break down every door in this damn town until I found him, I wanted to find Ian’s brothers and sisters and make them tell me every fucking thing they knew.

I couldn’t do any of that because Alexander needed me a lot more.

In all honesty, I was kind of glad that Zac’s family couldn’t be here right now, because as I held a screaming toddler who only want one person and didn’t understand why he wasn’t here, they had given me the most pitiful looks. They had never looked at me that way, not even when they learned about the miscarriage. I’d ended up locking us in his bedroom and just letting him cry it out, cried with him because I felt so helpless. I couldn’t do anything to calm him down and I missed Zac just as much. I had no idea how to explain that I couldn’t bring him Dada.

I fixed him breakfast, oatmeal and mashed bananas anything soft. While he did eat a lot of it, it wasn’t anywhere near his normal amount. I fixed him a cup with pedialyte in it, remembered the nights I’d forced Zac to drink it when he was sick. I let him down but he stayed right beside my leg and when I finished the few dishes I walked to the living room, sat down and tried to get him to play but he just climbed up on the sofa and sat down in my lap.

I wouldn’t put him down because I needed him as much as he needed me right now. Maddi had held me as I cried because Velma was gone, she’d come into his room Sunday night as we were both crying and held us both. The one time I desperately wanted her visions, they seem to have vanished.  I found some educational cartoons and he sat there and watched them with me. A good way to numb the pain is fixate on something as simple as Octonauts. I couldn’t watch Scooby Doo right now and this was better for him anyway, educational and mind numbing to me.

“Emily?” Maddi asked.

I looked up from the show and she was looking at me confused, Alexander even looked at her.

“You didn’t hear the gate buzzer? There is some female here and she won’t tell Max who she is, but she says
she has rights to see you.”

I took a deep breath. “If it’s not Zac then I don’t care to see them. Obviously his and Casey’s family are ok.”

“He told her you weren’t accepting visitors, but she refuses to leave.”

I got up and Alexander began his whine but I picked him up and took him with me. Max stepped aside and I view the small screen, it was Eliza and right now she was the utmost last thing on my list of remote priorities. I was in no frame of mind to deal with her, Max had just told her to leave a number but she told him flatly she didn’t give a damn what I wanted he needed to open the gate. I pressed the button.

“You have five minutes to get the fuck away from my gate or I am calling the Tulsa police department and they can escort you away. I don’t want to see you right now; I don’t care what your reason is. If you don’t have my husband in your care then you can fuck off.”

“Get over the bullshit and let me in.”

Maddi looked at me but Alexander laid his head on my shoulder, Maddi got my hand and gently pulled me back toward the living room.

“She’s not worth it right now. Maybe later on, but not right now Emily. Alexander is clingy and if you explode it might scare him and he doesn’t need another day like yesterday.”

“Agreed.”

Maddi had Max turn the intercom off and five minutes later she called the police. I really didn’t know what I would do without her and Max here right now. Sure, I had a pick of any brother but Maddi didn’t tell me it was going to be ok or that things would work out, she listened and did what she could to help. Whether it was fetching diapers and clothes for him or making me eat. Max had changed the station to a music one and as I sat there with Alexander nearly asleep in my lap a song came on and for once I listened.

Without you there’d be no sun in my sky, there would be no love in my life, there’d be no world left for me.  Baby I don’t know what I would do, I’d be lost if I lost you, If you ever leave, Baby you would take away everything real in my life, and tell me now, How do I live without you, I want to know, How do I breathe without you, if you ever go, How do I ever, ever survive? How do I, How do I, oh how do I live?

Max sat down beside me and I glanced at him. “I have spent years listening to my husband’s band as they wrote, recorded, and perfected albums and songs. Yet, I hardly had the time to really listen to the song because it was always do this, move that, sort this, or whatever. I keeping going over Friday and I didn’t spend enough time with Velma, didn’t let her know how much she really meant to me. Now, I don’t get too. What happen if Ian keeps him forever? What if I’m a single mother of two? What if Alexander never stops these hours of screaming for him?”

He smiled. “Ian won’t keep him forever Emily, Zac is too well known. He thinks he can keep him and make him want to stay because it’s the only way Ian can keep him there. We both know where Zac wants to be, right here with you, Alexander, and little bean when he arrives.”

I just shook my head. “Ian won’t care what he wants or that he is well known.”

“Zac is known around the world Emily, Ian may think he can trick Zac somehow but anyone can see that you two are made for one another. He loves you and Alexander more than life itself. Now, I’m not going to say that Zac won’t be affected by this. But, he will never simply forget how he feels, just like you couldn’t when Adam took you.”

“That’s just it Max, if they hadn’t brought Zac there it’s very possible I would have. Adam was bound and determined that I was forgetting Zac one way or the other.”

He moved a strand of hair from my face. “No Emily, you may have suppressed the memory just to avoid being hurt but you would have never forgotten about Zac or how much he loves you. No matter what Ian does Zac will have those memories of you, he might suppress them but eventually you’ll trigger them and he’ll know.”

“I hope your right.”

He smiled and got up. “I’m Max, I’m always right.”

Maddi rolled her eyes and I gave him a ghost of a smile. Alexander didn’t sleep long before he woke up stuffy and whiney, another round of get the snot from the nose and then I washed my hands and started lunch. I needed something to do. Yet, standing in the kitchen I could see the partially done non-tree house, could recall the music room plans, new nursery for little bean, the albums with his brothers, and family gatherings. I could only pray he was safe, I knew he wasn’t happy, but safe was all I was asking for at the moment.

“Mama.” He whined.

I picked him up. “You want to try to eat lunch?”

“Unch?”

“Yes, lunch.”

He rubbed his eyes and I sat him down in the high chair, fixed our plates and sat down. Doctor Max would stare me down until I did eat, which wasn’t bad really. Alexander was eating lunch a little better, I’d gone with something cooler incase his throat was iffy. I was about done when the gate bell went off again, Max quickly got up.

“She’s persistent. Escorted away and she returns.”

“Ignore her.” I said.

“Is she really that bad?” Maddi asked.

I laid the fork down. “I really don’t know every encounter we’ve had but 1 has been angry and ended in screaming. Natalie said she called me a bitch several times and I…I’d rather not deal with her and everything else.”

Max turned the volume down and sat back down to finish his own lunch, if she broke the gate well she’d go to jail but after an hour she gave up. After her words at the hospital I couldn’t face her, I couldn’t confront a woman who believed I didn’t love my son and my husband. I know calling her superior could have caused problems but at the same time, I couldn’t sit back as she did nothing.

“The agents called you yesterday right?”

“Yeah, right before Alexander melted down. They raided the address Robert gave them. I can’t see the house even though I begged, they found a computer with the images we got and they found like diary entries and the DVD file that was in Casey’s car. The DVD said it was about 2003 when he took notice.”

“Was he not there?”

“No one was and the collected dust in the house said it wasn’t some place he went to actively. They believe he has a second residence that is in another name. I just hope that wherever they are, there safe.”

“I don’t understand what he wanted with Casey.” Maddi said.

“Me either. The best I can think of is Casey was willing to stop him or irritated him. Maybe he felt with Casey present he would be more willing.”

“I think he took Casey because he’s someone Zac’s slept with over the years and Ian doesn’t understand how Zac can not want to be with him.” Max said.

“Wow, profound!” Maddi said.

“I can tell Ian why.” I said.

“Honey we all can, but Ian is delusional and he believes Zac loves him, even though Zac doesn’t. He won’t understand how Zac could be sexually aroused by Casey and you but not him. I’m fairly certain that Ian doesn’t know about me.”

“I have no idea what he does or doesn’t know, he seems to know quite a bit about us and mentioned Adam and David a few times.”

“Never good, but let’s finish lunch.” Maddi said.

We finished up lunch and I sat with Alexander and I was just getting comfortable when the gate went off, she is going to drive me insane and I was sure of it. Maddi checked to make sure but it was Eliza and she told her no when she demanded to come inside and then she sat down on the loveseat.

“Are you afraid to see her?” Max asked.

I adjusted Alexander so he was laying off my right side, which was cramping some. “No. I can’t see her. I’m not afraid too, but I get super upset when I do. By that I mean I reach a point where killing her is OK in my mind, that does scare me. Logically, I never would but she just pisses me off and it’s like instantly.”

“Do you have any idea why that happens?”

“Not really. I tried in January and we had this massive argument, she left and came to the studio claiming she’d read the file from Georgia and things were OK. Then at the hospital she basically blamed me for not calling her. Agent Stewart told me it wouldn’t have mattered, by the time she would have gotten the message and got there they would have been gone anyway. Zac never answered so he was with Ian when I called. Velma died before I even got home, so I would have never been able to prevent her death. Top it off, she basically told me I didn’t love Alexander and I didn’t care about him or Velma or even Zac.”

“Ouch! Some sister she is! But, she also isn’t use to being a sister.”

“She called Christopher and Aaron Sunday, neither answered.”

Both of them looked at me stunned. “They don’t want to know her?” Maddi asked.

“I told her to let me tell them first, to explain and to have clarity from my side. You know how protective they are anyway and always have been. I warned her if she bombed them with this they wouldn’t accept her, when I blacked out she kept asking what right they had to fawn over me. There not upset with me for not telling them, they understood I wanted to understand this myself. They’re mad that she hurt me and for causing the stress and the things she said. She called Aaron to demand he tell me to answer my phone, Christopher was to demand he open the gate. She’s not doing herself any favors.”

I noticed that Alexander was focused on something behind me and I turned, thinking maybe a brother snuck in but nothing was there. I wondered if he could see my mother, Maddi did say babies were more susceptible and if at any time in my life I wished she was here, it was now.

“Are you excited to see Riley this afternoon?”

“I am! She is doing fine though Mom was sure. She was being her typical ginger monster self. I do miss her and I know she’s safe.”

“But you should be there and besides Max has basically told me he’s moving in until Casey is found.”

“I said no such thing, but really I can’t stay eternally even if I want too.”

“I know. How does Riley do with Cody?”

“Amazing. She’s taken to him really well and he has her.”

“Ryan ok with you jetting off to see about your ex?”

“He understands why I am here and I have this week, paid time off. But, next week I have to go home.”

“I knew you both couldn’t stay forever.”

“You should take him up-stairs and lay down Ems, he’s tired and needs sleep and so do you.”

“I won’t sleep if I lay in the bed.”

“Try, you look tired. Take the guest room.”

“I’ll be fine. I think I will lay him down though.”

I got up with him and took him up-stairs, he needed a clean diaper anyway so I changed him and laid him down, but he refused that so I rocked until he was asleep and then laid him down. I originally planned to sit in the rocker to make sure he was asleep, and then head back down. But, before I knew it, I was asleep.
I woke up screaming in my own bed, which added to my confusion. How had I gotten here? What happened?
As I stumbled from the bed Maddi came in and had me sit back down.

“It’s ok. Alexander woke up crying and Max got him. He’s ok and so are you.”

She’d answered all my questions before I could even ask, so I just sat there. “How did I…”

“Max. He came up to check on you and said you were asleep, so he moved you. He is right Emily; you will sleep better in a bed or laying down on something.”

I sat there shaking still; I had bad dreams with Alexander but none quite as vivid or as real feeling as that one.

“What were you dreaming about? I assume that was why you woke up.”

I nodded. “It started pretty nice actually. My mom was there with Alexander and little bean was just a baby. Zac was there also, they were all playing and happy.”

“Then what went wrong?”

I picked at the shirt before looking at her. “They were all dead; I was the only one alive in my dream. They were playing and then it was blood and laughing. It was Ian I know it was.”

She hugged me tightly. “Pregnancy can give you pretty shitty dreams.”

“I had them with Alexander too. What time is it?”

“It’s 1:30. I was waiting for you to wake up before leaving but finished packing. Max is coming up here so he’s closer to you and Alexander.”

I nodded and waited before going down; Alexander met me at the baby gate.

“He’s been calling your name.” Max said.

I stepped over before picking him up. “Mama didn’t leave Alexander.”

“Asey!”

Max turned and looked at me confused and I kissed Alexander.

I knew I could be seeking trouble. “Casey is with dada.”

He didn’t seem pleased with that concept, didn’t seem pleased with anything really. I sat down on the couch and Maddi finished packing and loading, she left at 2:15. I wanted to be selfish and make her stay, but I knew that Riley depended on her and she also had a business to run. I wanted her to stay, but at the same time I completely understood why she had to go.

The gate was closed and the alarm was set, Alexander did play just a bit but he eventually climbed back up into my lap, I layed down and he laid on my chest and watched cartoons, always the educational ones. Alexander fell asleep laying there and I was wondering why the house was so quiet, but Zac wasn’t here. Max was quietly sitting on the loveseat. I guess he did that quietness on purpose, because it wasn’t long before my eyes closed again.

What woke me up was Alexander hitting my arm and calling my name. I blinked a few times and sat up.

“Hey little man. Did you nap well?”

I looked around and didn’t see Max anywhere.  “Max?” I called.

When he didn’t answer I assumed he might have stepped outside. Alexander climbed into my lap and when he sat down I felt the wetness, it would explain why he was waking me up. Given I now needed clean pants I took him up-stairs to his room, he really could use a bath so impulse I went ahead and ran him one. I sat beside the tub while he played in the water. The bath was a double task; I noticed his bottom was getting slightly red so the bath would ensure he was super clean before I re-dressed him. I also had the diaper rash ointment out.

“Mrs. Hanson? Are you up-stairs? Hello?”

I walked as far as the bathroom door. “I’m in the master bathroom, Alexander’s in the tub. Come on up.”
It had to be Detective Walker; she had been inside the fence earlier watching the gate. A few moments later she was standing at the door.

“I’m sorry if I scared you.”

“No. I assumed Max let you in.”

“He asked me to come sit with you, said he had something to do. He left not long after Maddi.”

“He’s been gone that long?”

“Yes. I was in the garage when you came up apparently, phone call from my husband. I came inside and he was gone and you were gone.”

“Messed up his clothes so I figured a bath would be good for him. Max didn’t say where he had to go?”

“No Ma’am. He said he wanted me inside the house and have you somewhere in my view. He didn’t say where or when he’d be back.”

I got my phone and sent him a text asking what was up and his reply was for me to stay inside and to stay with the Detective he’d explain later. Cryptic but maybe something happened with Casey’s parents, they were pretty upset about him being taken too. She came in and sat with me, it was nice to have her here.

“So, you keep rejecting this one woman.”

“She’s my twin sister, Eliza.”

“Wait, she’s what?”

I repeated it and gave her a brief catch up and she understood then why I kept rejecting her. I got him out when the water got too cool and got him dried off and dressed, he held onto my neck tightly going downstairs and over the gate.

“Has he been really clingy?”

“Oh yeah, quite a few melt downs over him being gone and being sick.”

“Is he better?”

“Not really, he’s not running a fever now which is good but the runny nose and mild diarrhea persists.”

“Why don’t you sit with him and I’ll put something together for dinner.”

“Not required, I need to do something because really laying and sitting isn’t good for me either.”

I put Alexander in his high chair and moved him closer to the kitchen; it helped him not be whiney. I also gave him his cup. I really didn’t want to eat because I always felt guilty about it, not knowing if Ian was at least taking care of Zac or if he’d locked him in some room and forgot he existed. But, Alexander deserved decent meals and whether my brain wanted too or not, little bean had to have the right nutrients to be healthy when he was born. I began to fix a stir fry, because it would be rather easy. Alexander watched me from the chair and Detective Walker kept him company as well. I ended up fixing way too much but at least the leftovers wouldn’t go to waste. Detective Walker ate with us and Alexander ate very well which meant he was feeling a little better.

Once dinner was done I sat the dishes in the sink and Alexander came with me to the living room, he did play with some of his toys and moved around but he’d bring them right near me and if I got up he followed me. I was kind of hoping the trips to the bathroom with me would help with the eventual potty training. At 9 I went up-stairs with him, she remained downstairs where she could watch the entrances, but told me to leave the doors open. I sat down with him, made sure he’d had his medication and his nose was clear. But he was fighting sleep and after thirty minutes it was clear that he wasn’t going to sleep. I heard the gate bell and about ten minutes later I just gave up and got him to go back downstairs. He walked down the steps and I sat him over the gate. I saw Max talking to Detective Walker and Alexander walked just past the edge of the corner.

“Asey!” he yelled and then he was gone from my view.

Asey? Casey wasn’t here, who was he going to. I stepped over the gate and I heard crying and both Max and Detective Walker were looking into the living room so I went forward and looked, standing in the foyer was Casey and Alexander was in his arms and Casey was crying. I’d never really seen him cry, but he was. Yet, I found myself looking for Zac, Casey was here but where was Zac?

“He’s not…”

Casey looked at me when he heard me, like he didn’t expect to see me but he held Alexander tightly, not that the feeling wasn’t mutual. Alexander was holding on too. He only shook his head at me and I understood that Ian had let Casey go, but he’d kept Zac. Casey was wearing hospital pants and a shirt, clearly Max had taken him there first. While I didn’t see any marks, I was positive they existed.

He kissed Alexander and I walked over and hugged him. I was glad he was here, but I really wanted Zac.

“You seem extremely happy to see him. I don’t think I’ve ever really seen you cry. Ok, well maybe a little when you first held him.”

“I saw him get handed to Robert. When I asked about him, Ian laughed and told me Robert threw him in the lake and let him drown and that he was still there.”

The blunt cruelness of that lie really hurt, that Ian was cruel enough to allow Casey to believe that then what had he told Zac?!

“No. Robert took him to Zander like Zac asked. As soon as it was clear he put him the car and went straight to the hospital. He was very cold but otherwise unhurt. Robert didn’t do anything to hurt him, if anything he saved his life.”

“I can’t believe the one person I trusted and thought was good was so fucking wrong.”

“Don’t Casey, Robert wasn’t wrong. He didn’t know and he told the FBI everything he knew about Ian. Once
Zac is back we can talk to him.”

He kissed Alexander again but I saw Alexander looking around and then he looked at Casey.

“Dada.”

“He’s not here little man.”

I heard Max groan, Alexander asked another four times and each time Casey tried to explain he wasn’t here, but eventually he started the whine. Casey looked absolutely confused.

“Wnt Dada!” He yelled.

“Alexander James Walker.” Casey said.

He pushed away from Casey and I went ahead and took him, I prayed he didn’t get bad. Monday had been horrible and it could slightly explain his throat issue, but he didn’t stop. Kept asking for Zac, kept asking for his Dada and nothing Casey did helped. Casey looked so confused by what he was doing but Max just looked helpless, he knew there was nothing he could do.

Alexander completely melted down. Given that he rarely ever saw Casey without Zac, it was much worse than it had been even with Taylor and Isaac. He was screaming and kicking and nothing Casey tried worked, usually Casey was good at calming him down maybe even a little better than Taylor. But, Alexander was insistence and Detective Walker helped me over the gate because he wouldn’t stop.

I went to his bedroom and sat down in the rocker, held him tightly and rocked him. I tried my absolute best not to break down myself, because it would only add to him being upset but this was getting harder to do. Being the one that wasn’t falling apart was hard, feeling this helpless because I couldn’t give my son what he wanted; I couldn’t even help him to understand why his father suddenly wasn’t there. I couldn’t explain that I can’t bring him home because I had no idea where he was or if he was ok.

Alexander kept on and even as the silent tears soaked my face I kept telling him Zac would be home soon. Eventually I lay down in the floor on the pallet with him, he continued his relentless crying. Through the tears and the pain I sang to him, Never Let Go had worked for me. After the first time through, he stopped the screaming and after the second time he wasn’t crying he’d instead curled up against me. After his third time he was much calmer and by the end of the fourth time his breathing was steady and he was asleep.

I laid there with him, covering us both up and while I had a billion questions for Casey, I had to be strong. I had to push down the weight that felt like it was crushing me because Alexander needed me to be there for him, to be the one comforting him and calming him, even if it meant tearing my heart to pieces.


How do I live © 1997 Leann Rimes