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Chapter 140 – A thought
POV: Emily
Word count: 2246
June 17, 2017
We welcomed Rosalyn Isabella on May 28th, just after the Hanson Day events. What was normally a really happy time for both sides, this time was different. The birth didn’t go well at all, there were complications with her position and they ended up doing an emergency cesarean. Rosalyn was stressed and they had to put her in the neonatal unit just to ensure her lungs were fully developed and there wasn’t a problem. Christina ended up in ICU as she hemorrhaged and nearly bled to death. George was a complete wreck and the circumstances sent every one of us reeling back to when Eliza and I were born. I’d needed Doctor Lints to guide me through those horrible thoughts because my brother was nothing like David. It helped that both Dr. O’Brian and Dr. Hayward informed us what was going on. It was touchy but she was not almost a month old, she’d been home for two weeks and they were both doing very well. George was staying home to help her heal and take care of the babies.
I was at home with the children today because they were practicing for the tour which began at the end of the month. The children and I were going but I was having Eliza find me a suitable Nanny/bodyguard to have with us so I had more help. Amanda was coming over today for help and because we needed to have some time together around each other without husbands and brothers. Zac had gotten Alexander and Isabella up and dressed for me, leaving me with the five month old toddlers to feed and change. Breastfeeding two was different especially now that they were older but I found that if I pumped enough and let them feed enough the supply was great, added it had helped me lose all the weight I’d gained with them. Running after four of them helped too! Amanda let herself in when she arrived with Destiny, who’d gotten bigger and she was so adorable. She sat her down with the twins who were playing in the center of the room, Isabella and Alexander helping. She then hugged me.
“How is semi-retirement?”
“What retirement? Zac doesn’t like for me to be here alone really, so I’ve been going to the studio as if nothing changed, I just spent less time at the computer and more time in the playroom. But, it’s allowed me to begin training Isabella for the potty; she’s doing well with it. It’s also allowed me to investigate schools and to begin making sure Alexander and Isabella know the basics.”
She smiled. “Girl please, they’re super smart because they took it from you.”
I giggled. “Actually, Zac’s pretty damn smart on his own. So, I think it’s both of us.”
She giggled. “So, how is life with twins?”
I laughed. “Insane? Completely fucking insane. But I wouldn’t trade any of the moments with them at all. It’s not easy, it’s not always less stress but I don’t mind because they remind me every day to smile and to be happy.”
“I feel the same way about Destiny, I was terrified and oh, Zander pissed me off when he wouldn’t let you get up and come to the hospital. I was pissed!!”
“Amen, I wanted to strangle him for that. I yelled and fussed but he was adamant, I am glad that Zac thought about Skype though, I wouldn’t have thought about that at all. It made it much easier to handle not being there.”
It grew quiet as we watched them and about 11 I fixed lunch for the older two and she fixed a bottle for Destiny, after getting Alexander and Isabella fed I sat down to feed the younger ones, Amanda just admired and watched.
“How is Eliza?”
“Adjusting well really, she and Ryan are doing great but she has called a couple times freaking out, she’s was concerned with the day care center she’d chosen so Nikki has been watching her for them since she only has Nina at home during the day now.”
“Wow, I’ve been lucky that right now Sean’s sister is able to watch her.”
“How is married life?”
“Different, you never said sex after kids was so awkward.”
“What do you mean awkward?”
“Before hand it was like anytime anywhere, now I just don’t always want too. I don’t know why.”
“After Alexander I felt like I wasn’t…sexy? Felt like the extra weight made me unattractive to him. I don’t think you have to worry, his office desk is like a shrine to you two and he constantly talks about you two. Maybe it’s just you not feeling confident or like you can’t do something good enough since you’ve had her?”
“Maybe. How did you get over it?”
“Well, it took time and we made some missteps along the way. But, basically I pulled out the stripper pole. Velma taught me some moves before she...”
I had to pause because Velma was still a sore spot with me. I missed her so much and it still hurt like hell to talk about her, even to Dr. Lints. I could barely talk to her about Velma without crying hysterically.
“You don’t talk about Velma at all, not about good times or after.”
“I can’t really talk about her, I tried to with Dr. Lints and I just…I cry hysterically and move on. I don’t know why I can’t….”
She slide over and put her arms around me. “I can tell you why.”
I looked at her and waited, confused. I couldn’t even tell and she was telling me she could?!
“You can’t talk about her because you were in love with her. You told me about that one night but really Emily you can love someone and not really have sex with them. She was very close to you and Alexander and you trusted her.”
I took a deep breath. “I was in love with her. We didn’t connect sex wise and I never got to tell her. I loved Velma and I miss her so much, but most of the problem is not that. Ian took her because she was here and I keep wondering if it were Aaron or Christopher, Craig, even Mac if he would have done the same thing. Would he have taken them? Killed them?”
“You know he would have Emily, he wanted Alexander because he knew Zac would come to him for that. It’s ok to love her though; it’s ok to miss her.”
“Yeah. Just hurts.”
“I know. So, let’s move the subject along. You what? Did a strip dance for Zac or something?”
I smiled; amazed that she could pull me from the brink of crying to something more normal.
“Basically, I found some songs and had him put up the pole and used it. I then talked to him because I was feeling like he didn’t find me attractive and he was feeling like I didn’t want sex anymore. Once we discussed that it was fine.”
“Maybe I should talk to Sean then, I want too and we have a few times but I want the lights off.”
“Talk to him, I am sure he doesn’t find you any less attractive or any less sexy. So what, you have a few extra pounds but he knows why and he knows that he’s half responsible.”
Her face blushed some. “I think for me it’s more feeling wise.”
“Like emotionally you don’t feel it?”
She really was starting to confuse me some, I wasn’t sure if she meant she didn’t want to be with him in some emotional sense or what.
“Not quite...”
I looked at her and waited, because I wasn’t entirely sure where she was going with this train of thought. I didn’t want to assume and give her bad advice without being clear on the problem.
She took a deep breath. “I feel like I’m not tight enough for him, have you ever had that problem?”
“Can’t say that I have.”
Of course, Zac wasn’t average and if he was it was possible I’d feel that way but he’s never mentioned that and not once did I ever feel like I wasn’t tight enough to him or that that had changed.
“What do you mean?”
I could feel the blood rush to my face. “Zac’s never told me that but after Alexander was born it hurt some; I think it was trying too soon. That lead to the problems, I was afraid it would hurt.”
She appraised me a moment. “Are you trying to tell me you’d never have that problem because he’s not average but above?”
“Pretty much. I think you need to talk to Sean about it. Sex is different for everyone but I highly doubt he finds the sex any less than it was before you got pregnant. He married you Amanda, he loves you. Sex is just part of that.”
“I just worry that I can’t satisfy him like before.”
I smiled and giggled. “The fact that he tries is enough to say he’s fine with it. Talk to him Amanda, I think you’ll find it will help all your fears when it comes to sex. I can’t speak for Sean personally but I think you’ll find that he’s fine with the sex.”
“Do you and Zac ever just talk about sex? Not like in connection to a problem but just in general?”
“Yes we do all the time. It’s mostly sharing how we feel about something or about wanting to try something or do something, but we do sometimes just talk about it.”
“I guess I need to overcome that then.”
“Yes, you do.”
The twins were done feeding and Gabriel was almost asleep, Destiny was asleep. I laid them down on the pallet and we took the older two to the kitchen for craft time, I liked that time with them so I often did it now. Usually when the twins napped because it kept them quiet as well.
“How are you going to handle four children on tour?” Amanda asked.
“Well, we are hiring a nanny slash bodyguard for the tour part. Eliza is looking around and doing backgrounds because in her words this person has to be someone special.”
“Any prospects?”
“A few, she’s setting up some interviews now for next week, Zac and I will meet them and the kids will too.”
“That’s a good idea.”
Craft time was a huge success, but it was also a huge mess so we cleaned up before the babies woke up and got the projects hung up.
“You know I am jealous you get to do this all day, spend time with them and watch them grow. I miss so much of her life.”
“It’s been nice I admit.”
“You know I always wanted to own a daycare center. I think it would be an awesome idea and something that I would do very well in. I just can’t afford it really, the start up and business license and insurance alone is astronomical.”
“I bet, it would be a dream job though.”
“It would be.”
The twins were every four hours how during the day so it was almost four before they ate again but destiny was a bit longer. However, I had to completely change them for the diaper explosion and once they were happy and dry babies they wanted their afternoon meal. I got a bottle for Nathaniel and let Amanda take him.
“Does Gabriel take a bottle? I’ve never seen him with one.”
“Gabriel is very picky, he will take a bottle but only if Daddy is holding him. He won’t take a bottle from anyone else. I don’t know if it’s the way Zac holds him or what.”
“But Nathaniel will?”
“Yeah, he’s all feed me I don’t care who you are.”
She giggled and they ate and then played but as we sat there in the living room a random idea came to me but it was fleeting and I wasn’t sure how to approach it, so I kept it to myself. Sean rode home with Zac given that Amanda had dropped him off, and I loved how they both gave us a kiss and then got attacked by the children, Zac more than Sean. She agreed to stay for dinner so she and I began fixing it while they played. She giggled as Zac was being a human jungle gym to them all with Sean’s encouragement.
We had dinner and the twins were showing some interest in regular food already. Gabriel actually stalked Zac as he ate!
“I think they’ll be fine on solids in a few weeks.” He said.
“Totally fine.” I said.
When it came feeding time Sean tried to give Gabriel the bottle but eventually Zac took him before he got too upset and sat down.
“Little brat.” Sean said.
“I told you he only takes a bottle for Zac, I don’t know why.” I said.
Zac just smiled and I was thinking it was just the way he held him. Amanda and Sean left about 8:45, promise to see us Monday. We settled into bed later after all four kids were asleep. The idea roamed my head still, but I wasn’t sure what to do. I kept them to myself until they were better formed and I had some time to really research it myself.
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